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What if Chicago's Urban Animals Had Thumbs?

By Kyla Gardner | March 3, 2015 3:13pm

CHICAGO — Did you know today is "If Pets Had Thumbs Day?"

In honor of this ridiculous celebration of the hypothetical, we wondered how some of Chicago's urban animals would enjoy the opposable digit:

If Chicago urban animals had thumbs…

...Half of the Chicago area's nearly 2,000 coyotes would endure endless "S'up girl?" texts from their male counterparts, as it's coyote mating season.

...Even with thumbs, no one can get their Ventra Card to work on the first tap. No one. Not even this alligator. He'd still be at the Pulaski stop, cursing the turnstile CTA Gods, and late for his flight.

...It's gross enough that some owners don't clean up after their pooches at the park. Could you even imagine if the dogs could throw it?

…While hanging out in Quiznos coolers, coyotes can easily twist off carbonated beverage caps and knock back Mountain Dew while waiting for Animal Care and Control.

...This bill that prohibits dogs from riding on drivers' laps died in Rules Committee purgatory, so now with five "fingers," drivers and their little yippy dogs can flip you off on Lake Shore Drive.

...These stray cats recovering from frostbite at PAWS Chicago would need kitten gloves.

...This yet unnamed baby gorilla born a week ago at the Lincoln Park Zoo would still be the cutest animal in Chicago to have thumbs — and she's already got some.

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