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Will Guy Fieri Cook The Bean Before It's Windexed? Are We All Losing It?

By David Matthews | October 30, 2017 5:23am
"Guy Fieri Cooks the Bean" is among the many joke events posted on Facebook.
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DOWNTOWN — Nearly 900 people on Facebook say they'll gather at Millennium Park this week to succumb to their "collective existential dread."

Ten days later, another 700 say they'll release The Bean into Lake Michigan to save it,  like in "Free Willy." 

More than 1,000 say they'll even ride the bus Downtown on Thanksgiving to see TV chef Guy Fieri cook the 33-foot-tall Bean "in an effort to end world hunger. Wow!"

These are just some of the many fake Facebook events taking place soon at Chicago's most popular tourist destination, events that many Chicagoans apparently need in times like these.

While joke Facebook events (and, admittedly, DNAinfo stories about them) are nothing new, such postings at the Bean have multiplied in recent weeks as fall settles in and more people find themselves bored on the internet. Or just facing some existential dread? 

Need a laugh this morning? Here's a rundown:

Learn To Speak The Bean's Language So We Can Open "The Portal"

All images clearly ripped off Facebook.

When: 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. Tuesday

Where: The Bean

What: Instead of referencing "Stargate" or "Stranger Things," the organizers here say attendees must decipher the Bean's language in order to gain access to a "magical pigeon kingdom."

Anyone going? One person is going, and another nine are interested.

Succumb to our collective existential dread outside the Bean

When: 10 a.m. Wednesday

Where: The Bean

What: The only description to this event is an Amazon link to the works of early 20th-century horror writer H.P. Lovecraft. 

Anyone going? 912 are going, and another 7,400 are interested.

Scare tourists by screaming “I CAN’T SEE MY REFLECTION!” at the Bean

When: 6:30 p.m. Thursday

Where: The Bean

What: Bram Stoker famously wrote that vampires can't see themselves in mirrors. Hundreds of people on Facebook think it would be funny to pretend to be vampires in Millennium Park. 

Anyone going? 428 are going, and another 4,400 are interested.

No more events at the Bean protest!

When: 4 p.m. Sunday

Where: The Bean

What: Some people are apparently less into joke Facebook events at the Bean. Or are they?

Anyone going? 203 are going, and another 2,000 are interested.

Pour spaghetti sauce all over the Bean

When: 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. Nov. 10

Where: The Bean

What: Not only will pouring spaghetti sauce purportedly make the Bean more delicious, organizers say it will also "camouflage" the sculpture to prevent future pranksters from painting it black (more on that soon).

Anybody going? 91 are going, and another 1,000 are interested.

Release the Bean Into Lake Michigan and shout "You're free!"

When: 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. Nov. 11

Where: The Bean

What: Chicagoans are going to rescue the Bean like in the movie "Free Willy." The organizer implores attendees to remember to bring Michael Madsen, who in case you forgot, was in "Free Willy."

Anybody going? 726 are going and another 6,800 are interested.

Prime The Bean So They Can Paint It Black

When: 3 p.m. Nov. 12

Where: The Bean

What: "Let’s go ahead and sand this bad boy and put a nice coat of primer down."

Anybody going? 183 are going, and another 2,400 are interested.

"Paint the Bean black so they can't Windex it"

When: 10 a.m. Nov. 13

Where: The Bean

What: This event that prompted the Nov. 10 spaghetti sauce event was in response to another event calling on peopleo "to Windex" the sculpture Nov. 15.

Anyone going? 439 are going and another 4,900 are interested.

Pour paint thinner on the Bean after they paint it black so we can Windex

When: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. Nov. 13

Where: The Bean

What: Maybe these fake Facebook events are starting to get out of hand.

Anybody going? 323 are going, and another 3,500 are interested. 

"Wiindex the Bean"

When: 6:15 p.m. Nov. 15

Where: The Bean

What: "The Bean is dirty."

Anybody going? 2,500 are going, and another 22,000 are interested.

Guy Fieri cooks the Bean

When: 12 a.m. Nov. 23

Where: The Bean

What: "Our guy Guy will cook the Bean in an effort to end world hunger. Wow!"

Anyone going? 1,100 are going and another 8,600 are interested.

Yell “Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up?” at the Bean in Chicago

When: 1:30 p.m. Nov. 25

Where: The Bean

What: You ain't never had a friend like whoever put this event together.

Anyone going? 317 are going, and another 4,000 are interested.

Give Rahm a ride out of town on the Bean

When: 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Nov. 25

Where: The Bean

What: Even activist group Chicago Rising is getting in on this.

Anyone going? 94 are going, and 546 are interested.

Flip the Bean over so it gets an even tan line

When: 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. Dec. 25

Where: The Bean

What: A smart move.

Anyone going? 1,800 are going, and another 18,000 are interested.

Cheer on Mr. Bean as he pours beans on the Bean

When: 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. Jan. 6

Where: The Bean

What: Someone will probably need to bring a ladder.

Anyone going? 159 are going, and another 1,500 are interested.

Celebrate the Bean on National Bean Day by turning the Bean into bean dip

When: 2 p.m. Jan. 6

Where: The Bean

What: Not even sure how this would work.

Anyone going? Five going and five are interested.

Eat beans at the Bean with George Wendt

When: 9 p.m. Jan 23

Where: The Bean

What: This is an obscure reference to an episode of '90s animated comedy series "Animaniacs."

Go to the Chicago Bean for no reason

When: 2:30 p.m. May 12

Where: The Bean

What: No reason.

Anyone going? 381 are going, and another 5,100 are interested.

And last but not least, we need to give the Bean some time to deal with all of this excessive and bizarre attention. 

All images clearly ripped off Facebook.

Give the Bean a safe space to process all of this attention

When: Noon on Sunday, Nov. 5 

Where: The Bean

What: "The Bean has received a lot of attention in the past weeks, and I'd just like to check in to make sure they are feeling comfortable," the event listing reads. "Please bring your listening ears & some palo santo."

Anyone going? So far, 402 people say they'll be there for the Bean at this intense time. Another 4,100 are interested. 



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