DOWNTOWN — As details have leaked about tonight's Olympics Opening Ceremony in Rio — rehearsal watchers swear there's a segment in which supermodel Gisele Bundchen gets "robbed" — we thought we'd play a game of "What if?"
What if Chicago were hosting this global shindig? How would we introduce ourselves, and our city, to a worldwide audience?
The stakes for Opening Ceremonies have risen exponentially during recent games, from both an entertainment and a political standpoint.
Beijing upped the ante in 2008, hiring Steven friggin' Spielberg as an artistic adviser for its ceremony. Remember the spectacle of the guy, suspended by wires, who ran horizontally along the walls of the Olympic stadium?
Mic drop.
Queen Elizabeth II took center stage at the 2012 London Olympics Opening Ceremony. [Getty Images/Cameron Spencer]
Oscar-winning director Danny "Slumdog Millionaire" Boyle returned the volley at the 2012 London games by casting QUEEN ELIZABETH and JAMES BOND in his show.
Oh snap.
The ceremony for the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi essentially rewrote Russian history. Putin gave it two bicep curls up.
How on earth could Chicago top that?
Step 1: Hire a big-gun director
Safe to say George Lucas is out. (Or maybe he would have held the Olympics hostage to get his Jabba museum?)
How about the Wachowskis? They're local and "Cloud Atlas" proved they can craft a head-scratcher, which is a key requirement for any opening ceremony. Bob Costas lives to explain obscure symbolism to the folks at home.
Lee Crooks, Voice of the CTA, could handle public address duties for attendees in the stadium.
Who would you pick to direct?
Step 2: Craft an origin story
Beijing and Sochi taught us that it's perfectly acceptable to hit a host city's highlights while glossing over the lowlights. We suspect Chicago would've followed this lead, leaning heavily toward its city-of-broad-shoulders-make-no-small-plans mythology versus corruption-segregation-daily mass shootings.
Key moments to dramatize would likely include the Great Chicago Fire (third time's the charm, Redmoon?), the 1893 Columbian Exposition and the dawn of the skyscraper. Bill Murray could play Daniel Burnham, Vince Vaughn could tackle the role of Mrs. O'Leary's cow and Matthew Broderick, in character as Ferris Bueller, could trample Trump Tower. (Costas would have a field day.)
How about another attempt at staging the Great Chicago Fire? [Evan Barr]
Reversing the flow of the Chicago River was a major engineering feat, but I think we can all agree that engineering is boring. One way to liven up the proceedings would be to depict the river using folks decked out in poop emoji costumes. Mayor Rahm Emanuel would have written this role into the Teachers Union contract.
Chicago's lakefront path is arguably one of the city's biggest assets. Perhaps the ceremony could take the audience on an allegorical end-to-end journey, with cyclists, stroller moms and joggers all joining hands in a mythical show of solidarity against rollerbladers.
What historic highlights would you include?
Step 3: Play to your strengths
We suggest replicating Millennium Park's Crown Fountain as bookends for the Olympic stadium and having Common's face projected at all times.
Step 4: Embrace cliches
There are certain iconic images everyone associates with Chicago. Give the people what they want.
Hire Wilco to play "Sweet Home Chicago," get Jennifer Hudson to sing "My Kind of Town" and coax the Chicago Symphony Orchestra into performing "Go Cubs Go" — on a looping "L" train that swings past the Bean, Sears Tower, Wrigley Field and Navy Pier, just like it does in the movies. Have "riders" at each "station" huddle under heat lamps wearing Canada Goose parkas (sponsorship potential: someone has to pay for this show).
Obviously the invention of the deep dish pizza should receive its own song-and-dance number, with 800 heart attack survivors dressed to form a giant human sausage pie. An army of bearded craft brewers will attack and "dissolve" the living pizza into foam.
Deep-dish pizza — embrace the cliche. [Uno Pizzeria & Grill/Facebook]
Have the entire stadium audience don oversized eyeglass frames while a hologram of Harry Caray sings "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," with Second City and Steppenwolf alums portraying cross-town rivals, the Cubs and White Sox, respectively.
Which cultural touchstones would you include?
Step 5: Have a few tricks up your sleeve
Tap Eddie Vedder to sing the national anthem.
In itself, not so surprising a choice, but here's the kicker: Hometown boy John Cusack steps up to the microphone in full Lloyd Dobler "Say Anything" mode. He holds up a boombox, presses play, and a recorded Vedder's voice emerges with "The Star-Spangled Banner."
Step 6: Finish big
The lighting of the Olympic torch delivers the goosebumps at every opening ceremony, in large part because the final group of torch bearers tends to be a closely guarded secret, sparking rampant speculation.
Who could it be? Michael Jordan? Ditka? President Obama? The appointed school board? Hot Doug?
We suspect Chicago's organizers, influenced by representatives from Google, would reach for a viral moment:
As the ultimate torch bearer enters the stadium, Kanye West jumps from the crowd and grabs the flame holder.
"Yo Smokin' Jay Cutler, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you finish, but Oprah is one of the greatest Chicagoans of all time. One of the greatest Chicagoans of all time!"
[Getty Images/Mike Windle]
Enter Lady O, who takes up the torch and floats to the cauldron on a cloud of money. There should be fireworks when the flame is finally lit, but Chicago doesn't do fireworks anymore, and besides, Oprah has a far better idea for how to cap the opening ceremony.
"Look under your seats," she tells the audience.
"You get a gold medal, and you get a gold medal, and you get a gold medal ...."
What if?
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