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Chicago Not Likely To Survive Zombie Attack, Study Shows

By Joe Ward | October 29, 2015 4:37pm
 Chicago is unlikely to survive the zombie apocalypse, a study found.
Chicago is unlikely to survive the zombie apocalypse, a study found.
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Facebook/Daniel Wan Sai Cheong

CHICAGO — If the zombie apocalypse were to happen tomorrow, your best chance at survival would be to get far away from Chicago.

That's according to a recent study on some American cities' chances of survival in the face of a zombie apocalypse. Conducted by CareerBuilder, the study looked at each city's defense resources, engineering capabilities, food supply and other factors to see which American cities would be the first to fall in the very real chance the dead come for the living.

The results? Well, they are not good for Chicago, which ranks 49th out of the 53 largest American cities in CareerBuilder's study of those best equipped to handle the outbreak.

Chicago ranked especially low in its ability to contain the zombie virus, according to CareerBuilder. That category was determined by each metro area's "engineering prowess," or how many citizens are employed in engineering and construction fields. 

(Perhaps CareerBuilder forgot that Chicago reversed the flow of a major river and raised whole streets to accommodate the first modern sanitation system. Surely we could find a solution to some flesh-eating zombies.)

Chicago's high population density would also work against us in the case of a zombie invasion, CareerBuilder said. That's part of the reason why the country's biggest metro areas — New York City, Los Angeles and Chicago — fall at the very bottom of the list.

Our ability to defend the city in the case of an attack is also lacking, according to CareerBuilder, as Chicago ranked 30th out of 53 in its ability to stave off zombies.

Defensive rankings were based off of the number of residents in the military and law enforcement as well as the availability of small guns. Maybe this is the one instance where the prevalence of illegal handguns would serve Chicago well.

Chicago is also very unlikely to find a cure for the zombie outbreak, CareerBuilder said, judging by the number of residents working in "biomedical research and development."

Thanks to its proximity to research behemoths like Harvard and MIT, Boston ranked as the city best equipped to find a cure, as well as the city most likely to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Your best bet in the case of a zombie purge? Head to a rural area.

But if the thought of dying in a small town is worse than being eaten alive by zombies in Chicago, then head to Columbus, Ohio: It is the highest ranking Midwest city, considered the third-best city to wait out the apocalypse.

In the meantime, maybe the $500 million in new property tax dollars earmarked for pension payments should be put to better use. Save us, Mayor Rahm Emanuel.









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