CHICAGO — Joel Quenneville sports a mustache so epic, there are Twitter and Facebook pages devoted to it.
But does the Blackhawks' coach, who's led Chicago to three Stanley Cups since 2010, have the greatest mustache in the city's history?
DNAinfo asked Pittsburgh resident Adam Causgrove, president of the American Mustache Institute, where Quenneville and other legendary Chicago mustaches rank (on a 5-point scale). Causgrove's answers and rankings are below:
Dick Butkus: His mustache exudes strength, toughness, and unbridled virility. No doubt that if Mr. Butkus spent his days as bare-faced as a cheerleader or punter, his would be a name lost to the ages. 4.12/5
Mike Ditka: Classic chevron style mustache. Rumor has it that Da Coach requires any individual who will be tending to his mouth brow to have an advanced degree in Turf & Grass Management, with special consideration given to those who interned at Oakmont Country Club in his native Pittsburgh. 4.7/5
Dennis Farina: Often, actors and actresses are unable to fully commit to the mustached lifestyle, as roles and requirements can hinder their ability to reach peak attractiveness. Farina showed that the mustache he owned and operated was as versatile as tequila, there was nothing it couldn’t do. 4.6/5
Jesus "Chuy" Garcia: Garcia was roundly seen as the candidate of and for the people. Even in Pittsburgh his candidacy was often a topic of conversation. We knew little of his policies, but were very familiar with his robust mouth sweater. His defeat was met with deep sadness in some parts, as Chicago was forced to endure another mayoral term under clean-shaven leadership. However, Chuy has a great mustache and there's no doubt he will continue to do great things. 4.39/5
Phil Jackson: Coaches with mustaches win championships. Our Dept. of Nuclear Mustachology, through rigorous clinical trials, has shown that a mustache increases athletic ability by an average of 38.4 percent. Clearly this trend carries over to the coaching/manager aspect of sport as well. 2.5/5 (he too often goes clean shaven, and has yet to demonstrate a consistent embrace of the sexually dynamic mustached American lifestyle).
Walter Payton: Contrary to common belief, sweetness was not Payton’s nickname, but actually the birth name of his lower nose forestry unit (LNFU). Making the mustache look good in the 1980s was no easy task, but Payton did it with ease. One of the greatest Mustache Ambassadors we’ve ever seen. 5/5
Joel Quenneville: Coach Q further demonstrates that a strong and robust mustache is key to leadership. His is a strong centerpiece highlighting a ruggedly good looking Canadian face. The minor curves on the end tells us he knows exactly what he’s doing in the shaving department, and gives us a small look into Q’s wild side. He may wear a suit every game, but there’s the spirit of a first round draft pick in there still. 4.68/5
Mike Singletary: Singletary is often used as an example of what can happen when one shaves. Aside from the biblical ramifications (per the Dead Sea Scrolls, every time a mustache is shaved, an angel falls from Heaven and dies), one’s ability to perform can also suffer significantly. While the upper-lip cardigan Singletary employed during his playing days led him to success and national acclaim, his clean-shaven coaching record dramatically reflects the pitfalls of devolving into a fresh faced mammal. 1.7/5
Harold Washington: It’s true that America has been led by bare-faced mortals since our last mustached POTUS, President Taft. However, hirsute luminaries have held considerable positions in government elsewhere. Mayor Washington and his thin, yet recognizable stache served the city and state of Illinois admirably. If alive today, we’d be curious to ask if he was fond of such a scant mustache, or if the lobbyists for Big Shaving played any role in his choice of mustache design. 3.47/5
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