UPPER WEST SIDE — The recent arrest of a teacher's aide at P.S. 87 on sexual abuse charges has left parents grappling with how to talk to their children about a nightmare come true.
DNAinfo spoke to two experts for advice on how parents can handle the aftermath of Gregory Atkins' arrest.
P.S. 87 parents should explain the basics of what happened without getting too graphic, said William Bernet, a forensic child psychiatrist and professor in Vanderbilt University's School of Medicine who evaluates child sexual abuse victims.
Tell your children you got a letter from the school about an adult who got into trouble because he did something wrong with a child. Then explain that the child involved did the right thing by reporting the alleged abuse, Bernet said.
"I would try to make a learning experience out of this without going overboard," Bernet said. "I would say the little boy did the right thing, which is, he told on (the alleged abuser). He told a teacher or someone who was safe."
It's natural for parents to feel panicked or overwhelmed by the disturbing nature of events, said Deborah Donovan Rice, executive director of the nonprofit sexual abuse prevention organization Stop It Now!
But try to move past that feeling by arming yourself with information and talking to other parents so you don't feel alone in dealing with the issue, Rice said.
"Adults need to manage their emotions so they can be in their most reassuring posture and voice tone with their children," Rice said.
The first step is to reassure children that adults are taking care of the problem.
"Just keep reinforcing that they, the adults, are going to take care of this so it won’t happen again," Rice said.
"And let them know that it's OK for children to talk with their parents about anything that’s going on in their minds about what happened at the school."
The other way to reassure children is by giving them extra hugs and kind words, Bernet said. You might talk to your child about the situation right after school, then again right before bed, saying something like, "It's been a rough day, but don't worry, you've got your mommy and daddy here to protect you."
Ideally parents have already developed a family safety plan and had a discussion with their children about "good touch" versus "bad touch," Rice said.
Now is a "teachable moment" for parents to remind children of those concepts. But don't wing it — think carefully about what you're going to say beforehand, Rice said. If you're nervous or uncomfortable, try rehearsing first by calling Stop It Now's helpline.
Remind children that they will be believed if they talk to a trusted adult about possible abuse, then ask them who they feel most comfortable talking to, Rice said. Get them to list off specific adults they can turn to if they need to confide in someone.
It's OK to ask your child if they, too, have had an inappropriate encounter with the alleged abuser, said Bernet, but try to do it just once. Repeated questioning can sometimes lead children to make up allegations, because they're trying to please the adult that's quizzing them about possible abuse.
"The child is in a confusing situation," Bernet said. "The child is trying to figure out, what does this adult want? Some children are suggestive enough that they say, yes, someone did something to me.
"It's partly because the child is trying to figure out the right answer that the adult is asking for, because that's what you do in school all day long."
Some children may ask how they should interact with the child who was allegedly abused.
"The message needs to be, you behave like you did before with the child, and not to treat them any differently," Rice said. "The main thing is to, as much as possible, avoid isolating the child who’s been identified as having had this experience."
It's also important to realize that sexual abuse during childhood is not a sentence for a lifetime of unhappiness, Rice said.
"We're looking at it through adult eyes, but children may see it differently," Rice said. "Don't assume they're as horrified or creeped out as we are.
"Children usually work really well through therapy toward a place of healing, back toward being happy, resilient children. Don’t presume this is a lifelong sentence of feeling bad."
Bernet said the long term impact of sexual abuse depends a lot on how the victim's family and friends react.
"If they make too big a deal out of it, then it becomes too big of a deal," Bernet said. "If they say nothing, that's not good either because the child can feel unheard or unbelieved."
In the coming days and weeks, parents should listen carefully for questions their kids might have about what happened at P.S. 87.
"The child might bring this up in some kind of roundabout way," Bernet said. "Listen to what the child says. Other kids might be talking about it at school, the child might get misinformation. If they refer back to this topic, have another conversation."
But let your child take the lead. Parents shouldn't bring it up too often, because it gives the child the message that the world is a scarier place than it really is, Bernet said. Instead, wait until the topic of sexual abuse comes up in the news.
"Say to the child, I don't think that's ever going to happen to you, but if it did happen to you, do you know what you’re supposed to do?" Bernet said.
