Quantcast

The DNAinfo archives brought to you by WNYC.
Read the press release here.

Good News: Mayor Rahm Emanuel's Spirit Animal Is Absolutely Not a Lizard

By Mark Konkol | October 9, 2015 5:41am | Updated on October 9, 2015 10:38am
 An online quiz says Mayor Rahm Emanuel's spirit animal is a colorful pheasant, but don't call him
An online quiz says Mayor Rahm Emanuel's spirit animal is a colorful pheasant, but don't call him "Mayor Peacock."
View Full Caption
DNAinfo/Shutterstock

DOWNTOWN — Recently, a whip-smart millennial with a YouTube addiction played me a hilarious clip of comedian Louis C.K. asking former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld if he was a human flesh-eating lizard or “lizard person.”

When Rumsfeld — a noted master of avoiding direct questions — repeatedly skirted the question with an answer to a question that no one asked, Louis C.K. prodded, “What would be hurt by denying that you’re a lizard? That is fascinating to me, that saying 'I am not a lizard' might be dangerous. I want to know how would it hurt your credibility?”

After my laughter subsided, the first person that popped into my mind was Mayor Rahm Emanuel.

There’s nobody — not even Rumsfeld or Patrick Kane — better at answering questions with non-answers than Emanuel.

We’ve all seen the mayor on TV avoiding questions by spouting unrelated talking points, often about the importance of full-day preschool, filling a record number of potholes and saving money by eliminating inefficiencies.

Of course, no one would dare accuse the mayor of living a secret life as a flesh-eating lizard.

But I couldn’t help but wonder, and maybe you have, too: If Emanuel were an animal, what animal would he be?

On a whim, I asked around.

“Chihuahua,” one political operative said.

“Honey badger. He don’t care. He takes what he wants,” a Chicago know-it-all said.
    
“Porcupine,” a discreet City Hall insider told me. “They look all cute, but make them mad? Damn.”

No one said, “dead fish,” but after a while, it was clear that folks who offered honest anonymous opinions were using the opportunity to bash Emanuel by comparing him to tiny creatures known to attack.

That’s not fair. And I’m a fair guy.

So, just for fun, I Googled: “Rahm Emanuel’s spirit animal,” hoping an Internet search might reveal which animal totem — a symbol in Native American tribes and culture that some believe embodies defining characteristics of a person or clan — best aligns with our mayor’s difficult-to-comprehend persona.

Ultimately, Google failed me.

So, I asked Emanuel’s top spokeswoman if she could shed light on Rahm’s spirit animal or ask the mayor to take an online quiz — there’s dozens of them — to determine which critter best connects to the quality of his character and power.

She didn’t get back to me with an answer.

I had no choice but to take the spirit animal generator quiz in the mayor’s stead, answering each question based on what Emanuel has revealed about himself publicly.

After all, Chicagoans deserve to know if the guy who wants to raise their property taxes to historic levels, charge them for garbage pickup, tax their electronic cigarettes and outsource the 311 call center is guided by the eagle, a symbol of leadership, courage and strength, or the raven that symbolizes betrayal, disharmony and misfortune, or some other animal.

Maybe even, God forbid, a lizard — which symbolizes a person viewed as cold-blooded, fearful and thick-skinned.

I picked the online quiz that billed itself as an accurate way to determine your “real spirit animal.”

First, I answered questions that demanded undisputed facts: Emanuel is a 55-year-old man born in November.

Then, the easy ones:

Are you a peacekeeper or aggressor? Aggressor, duh.

A teacher you dislike passes you. What do you do? Ignore them, of course. Have you ever seen Rahm talk to teachers he doesn’t like?

Mom tells you to wash the dishes. What do you do? Wash the dishes. Rahm loves his mom (and "force your brother to do it" wasn’t an option).

Do you get angry easily? Obviously, “Yes, I snap pretty easily” is the correct answer.

You[r] best friend tells you a secret and asks you to keep it to yourself. What do you do?
“Keep the secret to myself and tell no one.” After all, the guy got his political start under former Mayor Richard M. Daley.

The last few were tough. But I channeled my inner Rahm and did the best I could.

You are in the classroom and the teacher is giving a weirdly long boring lecture. What would you do? “Just walk out of the classroom.” Emanuel most certainly doesn’t like to waste time. He closed the most schools in the biggest swoop in American history and wants the City Council to approve the biggest property tax increase in, well, ever.

Favorite color? Purple — in honor of the famous V-neck sweater the mayor wore in the infamous campaign commercial where he admitted to rubbing people the wrong way.

Do you love your family? I nearly clicked on the option, “Eh, they are OK, I guess” because the mayor still hasn’t read his own brother’s book, “Growing Up Emanuel.” But decided on, “Yes, they are very dear to me,” because, well, the guy might cut you if you mess with his kids.

What would you do if a hobo asked you for some money? While the choices “Curse at him” and “Throw stuff at him” were tempting, “Give some money to him” seemed like the most accurate choice for Emanuel. I could see him helping out a guy down on his luck, especially during election season.

When I clicked on the box promising an accurate spirit animal for Emanuel, the website reported the results as “100 percent” definitive.

“Your spirit animal is The Peacock,” the online spirit animal quiz declared.

The results explained the designation by making three points:

• “You have a good mind and an ability to observe things that go unnoticed by most of the people around you.”

Emanuel probably would agree with that.

• “You also get angry quite easily.”

It’s tough for anybody to argue against that one.

• “You have a great sense of creativity.”

Absolutely. We are talking about a man who sent a dead fish to a guy who ticked him off. There’s no denying that’s a pretty creative way to send a message.

If you think about it — Emanuel’s iconic purple sweater, his dance moves at the Taste of Chicago and the way the guy struts away from the podium when he’s heard enough silly questions from reporters — it kind of makes sense that a bold, colorful pheasant embodies the mayor’s defining characteristics.

Still, Emanuel won’t like it if you start calling him “Mayor Peacock,” even if it is in honor of the animal totem that an Internet quiz determined with absolute certainty to be his spiritual guide.

That's a surefire way to ignite the short fuse on the mayor’s inner rage and inspire him to come up with creative ways to destroy you that no one has ever thought of before. That's the Peacock Way.

So it’s best to be kind and focus on the good news: Mayor Emanuel’s spirit animal is not a cold-blooded, thick-skinned lizard.

For more neighborhood news, listen to DNAinfo Radio here: